The One Where Ryan Pops Off About Stupid Makeup Names

Okay, real talk.
Why is it that cosmetic companies have to name makeup shades using some kind of sexual innuendo? Like, seriously. When I’m browsing through Ulta and Sephora I’m not thinking, “Gee, I hope this drugstore/high-end lipstick is going to make my lips a pouty plum.” Instead it’s more like, “Gee, I wonder if this will go with my skin or be the green hair incident all over again?”
No, I am not going to explain that last one, but I think we can all use our contextual clues to figure it out.
Moving on.
Whenever I read these asinine names I get the impression that as far as makeup execs are concerned women are out there buying this stuff to increase our sex appeal 24/7/365. Maybe that is true for SOME women, but by and large we’re looking for products that aren’t going to break us out or make us look like s—.
Hence my preference to only buy certain brands that use actual clever names that don’t involve references to sexy fun time. When I get ready in the morning I don’t get ready to be all come hither to the opposite sex. That includes when I was single, and applies to the vast majority of the female sex. Sorry dudes, I hate to break it to you, but the only man a woman gets dolled up for is the one they’re boinking be that in the context of dating or marriage.
What? I’m a realist.
When I get my face on in the morning it’s because I don’t want to look like I rolled right off the turnip truck in front of my job, church, or wherever I’m going. I am also one of those alternative chicks so I really, really, really don’t care to dress for the opinions or attention of others. I also don’t care to have the bottom of my lipstick saying “Seductive Scarlet” at 6:54 a.m. when I am feeling anything but seductive, and have better things to do than be reminded that the maker of said lipstick apparently thinks that I’m nothing but a pair of t— and a– with a pocketbook.
Let’s get some real makeup names like the sort of names I get on my yarn skeins or paint tubes. How about names like “Rusty Red” or “Burnt Blood Orange”? I’m sure women will like it a lot more than “Seduction” or “Naughty Pink.”
– Your Friendly Neighborhood Geek

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